생각

요즘 생각 많이 했는데.

우리는 왜 살고있는지 생각하고있다.

인생은 뭘까? 그냥 공부를 하고 일을 하고 죽을듯이야? 그밖에 뭐가 있는데? 

사람 되는것은 엄청 어려운것이지. 21년동안 내가 이세상 위한 일은 한번도 하지않은가봐. 그냥 다른 사람만하게 숨을 쉬고있어서 시간 낭비하고있어.

이런거 내인생이다.

Constant struggle.

Sometimes I think I'm better off alone; sometimes I can't stand this whack of loneliness. 

I guess I'm just unhappy.

Or too broken to be happy.

Rubbles.

No idea of what she's done, she always felt like she's broken inside. 

She hasn't gone through the worst of the worst, yet she is very very shattered inside. 

She cries again tonight.

Not sure what are the tears for, the urge to free them was sure. 

It's okay, at least she could cry herself to sleep tonight. 

And then she'll be alright. 

Will you?

Many nights she wonders,

Of all the people in the world, 

Who would actually miss her when she's gone? 

Like a piece of dust, she wanders,

And then gone.

With the wind.

Loner.

She's always alone. 

She might be surrounded by people everyday, but deep down in her, she knows she's all alone. 

She's been keeping her doors closed from people, she never really trusted friends, she never really trusted people could ever make an effort to like her, she never really trusted herself to blend in like everyone does. 

She's always the odd one out. She's always harsh and people find her extremely difficult to handle. But so what? She never really cared. Unfortunately once in a blue moon she does. And she thought she was cool enough not to give any fucks. 

Sometimes she walks away silently, with the hope of no one noticing and the tiny bit of bitterness of no one noticing. Yes, she's confused like that. 

And now that she's back in her bed, all alone, crying in the sheets with a little comfort from her huge teddy bear. 

She'll be fine. As always.

21.

She's been dreaming a lot lately,

Of all the possibilities she could be,

At such age of incredibility. 

She's been settling down lately,

Despite having wings,

Home is the place she ever wanted to be.

And everything felt so surreal, to be twenty-one. 

Any day can be full of wonders.

It's been 15 days since new year and so many times she wonders where did the time go. 

No "new year new me" bullshits for her coz she can be different any day of the year if she wants to. Why wait for new year? 

2014 had been a great year for her, filled with achievements she hadn't thought she would've achieved. It felt magical and it still does. And 2015 will be an even better one, she tells herself.